Tuesday 8 January 2008

The "Me" manual

I'm an introvert (self-acclaimed cos something in my warped mind likes the sound of it) who keeps reminding herself about the necessity of turning extrovert cos life is too short. I love literary stuff, If I had a 20-pound, "any- store" gift voucher, I'd probably pick "White teeth" by Zadie Smith and "Half of a Yellow Sun" by Chimamanda Adichie over the bright and sparkly top on the TopShop mannequin. I do love clothes though; dominant genetic trait of females the world over (Oui)!

People I like to meet:

1. Anyone who is able to extract meaning when I open my mouth, from words heavily laced with my mild stammer.

2. Anyone who derives perverse pleasure from making life seem even more complicated than it already is. Essentially, people who prefer to say "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" rather than "Romeo! where are you?

3. Anyone who is able to decipher how I coined the word listed below as my "AFFLICTIONS 1".

4. Anyone who is able to laugh at their own self, especially when faced with seemingly hopeless situations. Aptly christened "inverted humour" by me, regardless of the suitability or not of that term!

5. Anyone who has the presence of mind to actually admit they love food in a way that makes Cookie-monster (my alter ego) from Sesame street look like an anorexic.

6. Anyone who craves fulfillment with every fibre of their being as much as I do.

7. Anyone who has the funny habit of dancing crazily in front of the mirror to very loud music (in the privacy of their bedrooms, of course, lest they risk gracing the cover of "The Disturbed Mind" a monthly publication in my native language).

8. Anyone who's able to read the entire content of this Me-manual and draw one and only one conclusion - "ECCENTRIC" (again, just because something in my warped mind likes the sound of it!).

Interests:


Considering the short span of most of my interests; a classic example- Learn foreign language: French (1 hour), I'll stick with creative writing cos it's never gone away.

QUEST: Those rare "light-bulb-flash" A.K.A. Eureka! moments, cos they make life a little less puzzling.

DIS-INTERESTS 1: Being woken up from sleep by a phone call; ringing mobiles have a sadistic way of cutting you off from sweet dreams, plus triggering my migraines simply from waking up startled!

DIS-INTERESTS 2: Vending machines that fail to keep their own side of the bargain.

AFFLICTIONS 1: Tricho-love-mania (Compulsive-obsessive and often extreme love for ones own hair).

AFFLICTIONS 2: Late-O-Syndrome, in layman terms, haven't got a punctual bone in my body.


Music I love:

Music from artistes with raspy (Amy Winehouse,) soulful ( Jill scott, Floetry), raspy & soulful (Alicia Keys) and nostalgia inducing (ABBA) voices.


Favourite book
:

Cattleman by R. S. Porteous, 1962
I'm currently into classics (added cunningly to induce impression of intellectualism, ha!).






Monday 7 January 2008

Super spandex costume...

I happen to have a fascination (alright! I'll rephrase that), I happen to have a morbid fascination for the mind of criminals.

For those of you who share my fascination, WORD OF ADVICE- publicly admitting this is certain to cause shock, heart palpitations and other adrenaline-rush related health risks to human beings located within your immediate vicinity as at time of your admission, no matter how innocent your honest little remark might be. Trust me, tried and tested (BINGO)!

Anyways, I’m genuinely interested in understanding what makes a person snap, hinders them from differentiating between right and wrong to commit the most heinous crimes so horribly gut-wrenching they would even shock Satan! I mean, what's the actual divide between Sanity and Insanity? Psychosis and
Normal?

For me, the best part about crime is the "whodunit" mystery and the piece-by-piece process of unraveling the puzzle (a drop of blood, hair fiber, finger print, DNA) the suspense always leaves me shaking with anticipati
on, I reckon there IS something mildly therapeutic about actions and reactions.

Then eventually, after seemingly endless cycles of deductive intuition, the "a-ha!, Gotcha!" and final attempts to seek closure by analyzing the motives behind the crime and VOILA! the Manson family, Jack the ripper, Menendez brothers, Fred & Rose West, Ted Bundy etc. are unearthed. Check www.crimelibrary.com for all the gory details.

Beautiful! I've decided that if there's such a thing as an After-life, I'll come back as an FBI agent: a crime-busting super cop, I wonder if they'll allow me wear my customized spandex costume a la Spiderman.

This is beginning to sound like a career workshop!

Sunday 6 January 2008

Irony

Winter-time, I'll paint the picture as I see it:


1) Modified wardrobe: Coats (make that THICK coats), and "Onion" haute couture (layers upon layers of clothing).

2) Deceitful Sun: all brightness, NO warmth.

3) Red-nosed look: mandatory "fashion accessory" (from sniffing so often).


4) Over-worked alarm clocks: you really don’t want to get out of bed most mornings, basking in the sweet embrace of your faithful lover; Delilah-the -Duvet.


5) Ice cream turnoff: It just doesn't tempt you as much as it used to, not even Thornton's triple scoop raspberry swirl- vanilla caramel- chocolate fudge. (Except of course for the die-hards amongst you, myself inclusive).


6) Fantasies: you begin to wish there was such a thing as battery-powered electric heating coats and jackets in fuchsia-pink, turquoise-blue, bottle- green and all your other favourite colours. And yes! Duracell does make rechargeables.


7) Love affairs: your passion for your room heater and/or radiator becomes deeply intense.


Bottom line is that who'd have thought I'd ever (desperately) LONG for those precious moments in Nigeria when I wiped my brow in frustration from the evil, blazing, scorching sun. So ironic...

Saturday 5 January 2008

I'll do it Tomorrow.


22-FEBRUARY-2007

PROCRASTINATE:
1. English word
2. A verb
3. An affliction

Growing up, I always found newspapers boring. For one thing, the tiny print was such a huge turn-off, mostly politics and big grammar. I just went straight to the cartoons, beauty/fashion tips or tidbits of juicy celebrity gossip.

For some reason I'll never really know, I decided to start reading a certain column in Vanguard newspaper- "SKETCHES" written by Aig-Imoukhuede - instead of just flipping past the page in a crazed haste to get to my beloved cartoons as I usually did.

Mr Aig-Imoukhuede's column in Vanguard was weekly (Wednesdays) and it was just simply lovely, he had such a way with words, his style was satirical, his attitude very humorous and witty. He simply picked day-to-day issues involving him and/or the situation in
Nigeria or the world and just captured them in black and white in a way that made you feel you were standing right beside him when they happened.

You could just tell he'd had an interesting life. Some times, you even wished he was your Uncle or Father just so you could listen his stories one-on-one.

So I finally started enjoying newspapers, not just the funnies but every other part especially columns. My favourite still remained "SKETCHES". In fact, I started cutting out the page religiously each Wednesday and placed them all together in a file.

One Wednesday, after I'd read yet another of his amazing write-ups, I'd had a good laugh as usual and decided I was going to write Mr. Aig-Imoukhuede a letter telling him how much I loved and enjoyed reading his column and how much of an inspiration he was to me. I actually went as far as writing out the postal address of Vanguard newspaper on a piece of paper, but alas, that was about as far as I went regarding sending that letter.

For the next 4 years, I kept postponing the act of writing and sending that letter. I found out today that he died a month ago at age 75 and I wept.

*I wept for the letter that was never written.

*I wept for the letter that never got sent.

*I wept for the letter that can NEVER be sent ever again (Death doesn't EVER give you second chances).

*I wept cos now I'll never know what his response would have been, I'm so certain he'd have replied.

*I wept cos I'll miss him; I never met him, but it felt like I had.

*I wept for myself; for all the things I said I'll do but NEVER did year after year.

*I wept for all the time wasted and lost for ever just because I kept procrastinating, telling myself over and over again "I'll do it tomorrow"

Tomorrow always seems so distant but eventually it becomes Today and fades away as Yesterday...

Maiden voyage!!

Searching the deep (and dark) recesses of my mind for something intensely meaningful to launch my blog with, so I'll post an article I wrote in a journal long before I discovered "blogville".